Allowing Expectations for Our Success.

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There are Necessary Expectations

To have all the things we desire most, means hard work. It also means putting ourselves in the position to have other people help us. As well as allowing them to increase the amount of expectation they have for our performance.

Let’s face it, if people around us aren’t expecting much, this is a life snuffing ordeal. If people are not expecting much, then what kind of motivation will we get from them? Probably not much.

But I suppose this is only for the type of life I desire to live. Some may appreciate a life with as few expectations on them as possible. I have before as well, and still do often. I have also found out that the ambition coursing through my veins will not allow me to be comfortable with a life of low expectations.

Don’t get me wrong though, most of the time when realizing someone is expecting something challenging of me, I do have that initial thought of “who in the hell do you think you are.” Our initial tend to keep us engaged in mindsets and behaviors that resist change. So, when someone recommends we do something that challenges our mindset, a defense mechanism coming up is pretty normal.

resist man.jpg

Reactions to Expectations.

I tend to resort defenses like over-intellectualizing or sarcastic humor to try to avoid allowing the advice they may be trying to impart into my skull. I get the feeling I reactively avoid the advice because if I allow them to see it make sense to me, then they may EXPECT me to follow through. I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of feeling that someone is trying to control me.

I laugh there because there is nothing about allowing the other persons advice to be logical, that says I need to do what they said. Let alone have it “Control” me. But I might need to do what they preach if I am going to receive the results in life that I desire!

I don’t know what it is in my brain that has me believing that if other people expect something from me, that they have some sort of control over me. But I am guessing that I am not alone. The truth is that there are so many people that know a ton more about every subject available, than ourselves alone. And if we want what they have to offer, we are going to be able to allow them to influence us.

We need to allow them to expect some things of us and allow them to let us know when we am not meeting those expectations. This can be a very hard pill to swallow. Let’s look at some ways that we can help this pill go down a little more smoothly.

9 Habits for Allowing my Relationships to Have Healthy Expectations for me.

1. Stay on top of my decision making.

I find that it is easier to allow people to help me when I am consistently making the decisions I need to make. I tend to feel people are trying to control me more, when I am not feeling in control of my daily affairs.

2. Find Challenging People.

I find it important to have people around me that will help push me to be my most productive self. By having people that will help me actualize my goals instead of push their own on me, has taught me to have healthy relationships.

3. Find out Which challenge style works best for me

Some people may push their expectations for me like drill instructors, and others as gentle as can be. I tend to like a mixture of these, although I get annoyed at both. But if it seems like someone is trying to mother me, that is what I am looking for, the least.

4. Make sure the expectations are healthy.

I desire a healthy life so if the expectations people are having for me are not healthy, then I cannot meet them. I also will not be able to continue the relationship.

5. Follow people that care for me.

When I know that people have my best interests in mind, it definitely makes it easier to let them have expectations for me. Though sometimes these might be the ones I fight back against the most. But also, who’s advice I will likely end up following.

6. Choose credibility.

I find it easier to allow people to have expectations for me if I know they practice what they preach. If someone isn’t willing to follow their own advice they give me, it makes it much more difficult to follow their advice.

7. Stay Reminded of Rewards.

If I am having a hard time allowing someone to have expectation, I can keep myself reminded of why I am seeking advice from them in the first place. I am seeking because I desire something. Whether I am desiring the rewards I will receive from emotional support, business advice, parenting advice or whatever other advice I may seek.

8. Do Our Own Research.

Just because I trust someone doesn’t mean I should just be blindly following their advice. If I have extra questions for them, I ask them. If I need to do further research, then I do that too. If I don’t do my own research, I tend to blame the person I sought to help guide me.

9. Remind myself that its ultimately my decision.

No one makes our decisions for us. Even when we feel like they are. Reminding ourselves that we are not a victims to other people’s guidance, and that we ultimately make the decision ourselves helps a lot.

None of us have all the answers, but other people can help us get at least some more answers. But we need to allow them to challenge our current thinking and allow them to have some expectations for our growth. Their help is vital to growing in our own little worlds, but only we can allow them to help.

Never Stop Learning

That is all we have for today, and thank you so much for stopping in to My Life Experiment. What is written here has come from struggle and growth. We wish you growth on your path of becoming better at accepting healthy expectations from others. If you enjoyed what you read then I would love for you to do a couple things for us.
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Welcome! We are Travis and Casey Hagen, the writer’s and owner’s of My Life Experiment. As recovering Individuals, we are no strangers to leaving behind dysfunctional ways of living. Over the years we have become adept at managing our intense mental and emotional worlds. Finding healing from the past, peace in the present and new ways to bring about success for our futures. We promote Healthy Life Experimentation Principles for connecting with ourselves, our relationships, and finding healthier ways of bringing about success in our lives. Stick around and pick up what we have learned. You will not be disappointed.

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Meeting the Healthy Expectations of Our Relationships.

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In an article a couple weeks ago, I wrote about some methods I use for dealing with disappointment. Now let’s talk a little about what makes disappointment a thing, in the first place. Expectations.

My History With Expectations Placed Upon Me.

Expectations from my relationships, are unavoidable. Whether they are placed on me by my family, the company I work for, or any other relationship I have, they are still mine to deal with.

As I look back on my life before recovery, I didn’t think I had trouble with the expectations of others. But I remember one time when I was talking to a buddy about having such a hard time with depression, he told me “Dude you are way too hard on yourself.”

Those words rattled through my brain for many years and still come around today. Honestly, I didn’t even know what in the hell my friend meant by being “too hard on myself.” It sounded right but It has taken years to figure out what he meant.

To me, being too hard on myself means that I am punishing myself for not meeting expectations. Expectations that for some reason or another, my mind and body feel like they should be meeting. Many of these expectations coming from the minds and pressures of others.

The words my friend spoke to me was in the middle of one of my hardest times battling addiction. For many years the only expectation I could commit to, was the expectation that I would continue destroying my life. During the midst of that I also had another expectation pushed on me. The one that pertained to me stopping using, growing up and learning how to productively use my potential. And that is ultimately what I desired. I wanted to hold down a job, be a part of my family, and create my own family.

Expectations In Recovery.

I got clean and made my way into recovery in November of 2008. And I was quickly reacquainted with the past expectations I was never able to meet. It showed up as anxiety, and I had a ton of it. All the things I “should” have been doing had stacked up, waiting for their turn to get some attention. I get the picture of an open door and 1000 people attempting to struggle their way through at the same time. Pure chaos.

Throughout my recovery the relationship I have with expectations has changed quite a bit. I have gone through periods where I was trying to meet every expectation possible. There have also been times where I have pushed back hard on any expectation that others may be trying to place on me. Trying to be superman for people has helped me to get in touch with many emotions from the past and has helped me to learn many new skills. It also helped keep me clean as I did service for my recovery community. But with all the ambition I have for growing a family and a business of my own, on top of maintaining a job, I found myself burning out from too many responsibilities.

There have also been times where I have pulled back too far and tried to convince myself that I didn’t care to meet hardly anybody’s expectations. This has led me to avoid places that keep me healthy. And would you believe it? I found my attitude getting crappier and crappier, and built up my anxiety to an unwanted level.

I have found that I don’t really have a choice about needing to meet certain expectations if I want desire to have a healthy life, and healthy relationships. For example, if I don’t meet the expectations of my boss for too long, I won’t have a job anymore. Neglect my wife too long, and you better believe that’s going to strain our relationship.

Managing Expectations

My Thoughts for Deciding Which Expectations to Make My Own:

Of course, I don’t have to meet every expectation that comes my way. And over the years I have developed some ways to decide what expectations I allow myself to take on, and here they are.

1. Decide if I care to have a healthy life or not.

If i care to have a healthy life, then I will be needing to accept a certain amount of healthy expectations from others. Since learning how to meet enough expectations is important for the continued growth for any healthy relationship.

2. Decide if I want this expectation on me.

If I am feeling this expectation to get something done, I can ask myself a question. Do I really want to take care of this expectation? If I do, then I will commit to doing so. If not, then I will likely turn it down. But in certain relationships to not meet enough healthy expectations might be the beginning of the end of something good.

3. Decide if I want the possible rewards from meeting the expectation.

In any healthy relationship, there should be potential rewards for being in the relationship. And I better be willing to put in the possibly hard work to meet the expectation, to receive them. For instance, when I started the My Life Experiment website! I knew that to get what I want out of this website, that a whole new world of expectations would erupt for myself. I decided that I was ready to take them on, because I sense great potential for future gains!

4. Decide If I am willing to deal with the risks of not meeting the expectation.

If I am at work, I may not always want to meet all the expectations that are placed on me, but I need to if I want a paycheck! Or if I don’t want to meet the expectations at home I am going receive dirty looks. Sure, I could always not meet these necessary expectations for healthy relationships, but I better stay aware that there are consequences for deciding not to meet them.

5. Decide if it is my Responsibility in the first place.

First of all I need to know if the expectation I am feeling is from a responsibility that is even mine. If I am feeling an expectation that I should be taking care of is someone else’s responsibility, then I probably need to drop the expectation. Because I am probably wandering into the overly codependent piece of my personality.

This list represents many moments of frustration and disappointment, and my learning what my experiences had available to teach me. I hope you are able to use them to help yourself. And thank you so much for stopping in to My Life Experiment today. If you enjoyed what you read then I would love for you to do a couple things for us.
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Much Love,
Travis Hagen

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Welcome! We are Travis and Casey Hagen, the writer’s and owner’s of My Life Experiment. As recovering Individuals, we are no strangers to leaving behind dysfunctional ways of living. Over the years we have become adept at managing our intense mental and emotional worlds. Finding healing from the past, peace in the present and new ways to bring about success for our futures. We promote Healthy Life Experimentation Principles for connecting with ourselves, our relationships, and finding healthier ways of bringing about success in our lives. Stick around and pick up what we have learned. You will not be disappointed.

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Opening up Through a Compliment Experiment.

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How important is it to give compliments? That is exactly what this article is all about.

This was exactly my question after I was in a car accident with a gal that may or may not had insurance. After that accident, I started realizing that the emotions I was feeling were making it too easy to get snippy with those close to me (such as my wife and a couple of close friends). So I realized that I needed to do something about how I was feeling.

An idea occurred to me to possibly help with these emotions, as well as to find some evidence for a future path through similar aggressive feelings.

I decided that I would roughly concoct a little compliment experiment. An experiment where I would focus on sharing more compliments with whomever I come into contact with, and especially those close to me.

Be Aggressive, Do Nothing Or Compliment?

I once read a psychological study where the researcher set participants up to feel unwanted emotions, and then gave them outlets for processing them.

One group was advised to punch a punching bag, they also were advised to think about blasting someone who angered them with a blow horn. The other group was given a much more low key option, to basically sit and do nothing. These were all used to see if one, more than the other were more effective in getting participants out of feelings of aggression.

The study found that acting aggressively did not actually help the emotional processing. They found that doing nothing was actually more effective.

With this information, I have to believe that if doing nothing is more effective at processing anger and other similar emotions, then doing something positive, like complimenting others will be even better.

Complementing Rather more than Critiquing.

I was given the advice one time from my recovery sponsor that “for every critique of a life instance, you should give at least 3 positives.” The relevance of this advice can be seen clearly though, it comes down to building up my relationships instead of tearing them down.

Giving compliments can be an especially difficult thing to do when the energies of painful thoughts and emotions are present. Often times emotions like these are looking to be aggressive, either subtly or blatantly causing trouble for others.

It can be difficult to give compliments when feeling hurt. But it seems that being positive when not feeling positive, can allow for processing of the emotion.

The wisdom of the above psychological study is that emotions aren’t most effectively processed with aggressive intent and action.

What is needed is a better way, which is where complimenting others comes into the picture.

compliment
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

The Compliment Experiment.

Over two weeks time my mission was to be complimenting. I complimented others, myself, and life itself. I ran with the idea of saying 3 complimentary ideas for every critique.

I didn’t perform a study in which I logged each time I gave a compliment or didn’t, or how many were given in each day. No, I simply went out with the mission of giving many more compliments than I was accustomed to and checked in on how I felt at the end of the night.

Results of the Experiment.

Interestingly enough, around the conclusion of this experiment, I finally found out that the lady that totaled my car the week before didn’t have car insurance.

After getting that news, I found it very difficult to give compliments. Offering pleasantries felt against the grain. But I kept the experiment in mind and started looking for opportunities to allow the world around me to know that they are appreciated. I complimented a friend of mine, my wife, and then I just started complimenting myself in my thoughts.

What started out as a very difficult emotional state, eventually worked into me feeling better. I, of course, didn’t walk around crapping rainbows, but I didn’t sink into an mental-emotional turmoil. There were certainly angry feelings to deal with, but they didn’t cause any problems.

There are some aspects to my impulses that I hadn’t seen quite as clearly before this experiment. First, it is far easier to critique than it is to give compliments. And Second, there is always a compliment to be given if the willingness to do so is there.

This experiment has given a clear method for developing more life satisfaction, and a route to bring me back to being grateful. It taught that it is much easier to feel better when that piece of the brain that is far too critical, gets a chance a shut up. The experiment also showed me a high-quality method for processing my emotions and keeping myself healthy, growing, and becoming more efficient.

As well, it showed me that when I’m alone with myself and talking about myself, it is just as important to be giving myself enough compliments. Quite often, we are our own worst critics, and it is much easier to notice the qualities I enjoy in others when I am grounded in the recognition of my own.

compliment
Photo by Kenan Buhic on Unsplash
That is all we have for today and thank you so much for stopping in to My Life Experiment. What is written here has come from struggle and growth.
We sincerely wish you amazing success in getting the benefits of being a complimentary person. I offer you the challenge of applying what you have read here, as well as experimenting with your own healthy process for using compliments to help find your way into feeling better.
We truly believe that if you take today’s lessons to heart and apply them, that you will greatly benefit. If you enjoyed what you read then I would love for you to do a couple things for us.
  1. If you would like to help support this website by offsetting some of the costs of running it. There is a PayPal button below or in the right sidebar, depending on if you are viewing with mobile or by computer.
  2. Join our email list to Enroll in our Free 7 Day Impulse Negotiation Email Course! The course will help you stop pesky unwanted behaviors, as well as develop a healthier relationship with your bodily impulses.

 

 

 

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Welcome! We are Travis and Casey Hagen, the writer’s and owner’s of My Life Experiment. As recovering Individuals, we are no strangers to leaving behind dysfunctional ways of living. Over the years we have become adept at managing our intense mental and emotional worlds. Finding healing from the past, peace in the present and new ways to bring about success for our futures. Life is meant to be lived. That is why we promote Healthy Life Experimentation Principles for connecting with ourselves, our relationships, and finding healthier ways of bringing about success in our lives. Stick around and pick up what we have learned. You will not be disappointed.

To see our Terms and Conditions click here

 

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