Guide for Living with Healthy Expectations.

A crucial part of living a healthy life is living with healthy expectations. We cannot escape having expectations. We have them for ourselves, for others and essentially every aspect of life that affects us.

These expectations we carry are both an unavoidable part of life, a potential pain inducing one, and one with important benefits. Let’s find some ways to make these expectations as healthy as possible.

Having Expectations.

Developing expectations is an unavoidable part of our existence. These expectations are grown as we and our brains get busy putting a life together.

Our brains formulate plans naturally and when we start wanting such and such they get concocting. They say, “okay if we do X+Y then I am pretty sure we will get Z.” The more convinced we become that this equation is correct, the more we expect it to happen.

The only ones that can build our lives the way we can live with, is ourselves. But there are many more aspects of life that we will have to rely on others or sometimes sheer luck to bring about the best lives we can. So with the way our brains formulate, it also may have to say that X is the spouse, the colleague, the child, the parent, or our understanding of how an aspect of life works.

Inevitable Disappointment.

Just as expectations are unavoidable, as are the inevitable disappointment we will experience as many of these expectations are unmet. Being disappointed generally doesn’t feel good. But does that mean that all expectations should be avoided so we can avoid that feeling altogether? Absolutely not.

Some would actually say that the way to a healthy life is to have no expectations at all. That this state of not expecting anything would be the ultimate peaceful way. But sorry, there is going to be a lot of disappointment while learning to not expect. Even anticipation of peace from not expecting anything becomes an expectation we will likely be disappointed by.

A Life without Expectation.

What would life be like without expectation? If you didn’t expect to get in trouble for not showing up to work on time, would you? If your spouse or friends didn’t require good treatment to build a healthy relationship, would you treat them the same or more poorly? When you were a child if you hadn’t come to expect that the hot stove will burn you, would you have stopped messing with it?

Of course, the list goes on and on about how our expectations are useful. When we come to learn about the world and how it works, we anticipate at least to a certain degree that it will continue as such. Our expectations can save us from pain, help us predict future becoming’s, and allow us to develop healthy relationships.

Expectations are of course not created equal and we don’t have to live in a consistent state of disappointment because we have them. A big part of this is learning how to lessen the amount of unhealthy expectation in our routine, and developing more of the healthy variety.

Healthy and Unhealthy Expectations.

These ways that we expect, affect all aspects of our lives. They affect our relationship with ourselves, our relationship to life, and relationships with other people. There is tremendous value in taking great care in the way we create these expectations. Our healthy connection to all of these relationships depends on this.

I hope you are getting my point that there are healthy and unhealthy expectations. We could call them necessary or unnecessary expectations. Sometimes they are referred to as reasonable and unreasonable, sometimes realistic and unrealistic. Learning to differentiate between the two is critical for our ability to have an enjoyable life.

So how do we? How do we expect in healthy ways and avoid expecting in ways that could be self and relationship damaging?

Guidance for Creating Healthy Expectations.

1. Set Personal Standards and Purpose for how We Expect.

You have probably heard the old adage that “If we stand for nothing, we will fall for anything.”  This is the statement that rings true when we do not have purpose and standards, guiding our bodily impulses.

To have healthy relationships we have to set personal standards and purpose for how we expect. We need to formulate a go-to way that we will allow ourselves to expect, and for how we do it. Otherwise, we leave our expectations up to chance, maybe it will come out healthy, or maybe a little crazy.

The remaining points here are suggested standards to be placed on how we expect, with the purpose of creating trusting healthy relationships, and reducing personal pain.

2. Communicate Expectations.

Communication is a vital part of developing healthy relationships. That goes for ourselves and our relationships with others.

We need to make sure that we stay informed about what we are expecting. Reminding ourselves of those expectations in some manner. The same goes for our relationships with others, uncommunicated expectations can put great strain on our relations with others.

Without communicating what is expected we will likely be disappointed that those around us or even ourselves are not respecting our wishes. Well, they aren’t respecting our wishes because they probably don’t know our wishes!

We have every right in the world, and even obligation to communicate what and why we expect something. Communicating these expectations may be uncomfortable at first but in the long run, it can save a great deal of unnecessary disappointment and sore feelings.

3. Experience and Knowledge are Key.

The knowledge and experience that we have is the key to developing healthy expectations. A well-informed mind will have a much more keen sense for what to expect than one that is misinformed or uninformed.

As we learn that certain ways of behaving will lead to pain, we learn to expect that pain. So we can have the opportunity to avoid it. On the flipside, when we come to expect positive results by learning what brings those results, then we can engage in more of those behaviors to help our lives out.

Studied experience teaches us reasonable expectations. No there is no substitute for personal experience. But, learning from the experiences of others is very important as well.

4. Practice Intellectual Humility.

Experience and knowledge are essential in living with healthy expectations, but even with these, we can’t always expect them to be accurate. To expect that is foolhardy as all hell.

Life is going to surprise us with curveballs. None of us have all the information, or time to study all the aspects that can affect us. We need to leave ourselves open to be surprised. Being in the habit of closed-mindedness and overconfidence in our personal knowledge is not a good use of our mental and emotional life.

Expectations that are left open to change are expectations that will hurt less when they are not met.

5. Learn a Healthy Level of Emotional Detachment.

Emotional detachment as I am calling it isn’t about separating ourselves from our emotions. That is actually a recipe for losing touch with ourselves when maintaining connection with self is ideal. Instead, it is about separating our emotions from expected outcomes.

The more emotionally attached we are to an expectation, the more disappointment is likely when it is not met. This is not a message to try and get you to rid yourself of excitement for hopes and dreams coming true. But I do recommend being careful.

Life is an ever-changing thing, that being said, our expectations need to be flexible. Our thoughts and emotions also need to remain as agile as possible to deal with the onslaught of life changes in a healthy way. The more attached we are to a certain expectation needing to come true, in a certain way, the harder it will be to let go of when it is no longer useful.

But the more we are able to allow our expectations to adapt and flow, our lives will be filled with the benefits of being grateful.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Closing Thoughts.

With as difficult as the realm of expectations can be, with some work, anyone with the capacity for rational thought can learn to have healthy ones.

The guidelines in this article are intentionally held vague, use the ideas in it to fill in the blanks with the specific ways you will put these ideas into action.

If you have any ideas and would like to share them, please share them in the comment section below.

Well, that is all we have for today and thank you so much for stopping into My Life Experiment. What is written here has come from struggle and growth.
We sincerely wish you amazing success in living with healthy expectations.

We truly believe that if you take today’s lessons to heart and apply them, that you will greatly benefit.

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Easing the Difficulties of the Process of Self-Discovery.

The process of Self-discovery is a wonderful thing. Though it is not necessarily an easy process, it is a process that will likely lead to our best life’s fulfillment.

I see this process as one that is an uncovering of our deepest nooks and crannies. Much like digging to the center of our deepest selves. This is a process that if given our self due-diligence, will offer us beautiful new insights into our own depths. We will find ambitions and desires that will keep us occupied for a lifetime.

So let us dig into the topic of Self-discovery to find it’s difficulties. As well as finding ways to help ease us through with as little pain and suffering as possible.

What is the Process Self-discovery?

A human being is much more than meets the eye. Within each of us there is knowledge and potential that if found and applied to life, can be a vital force in the world. But until this knowledge and these energies are found and related with, they are dormant, unused and liable to get lonely and angry.

The process of self-discovery as I know it is one that takes us on a path to find out who we are. It leads us to come to understand our bodies’ impulses, to find why they cause the desire to think, to feel, and to express themselves in the ways that they do. As well as a process of coming to terms with what we believe and why we believe what we believe.

The process of discovering ourselves is about reclaiming pieces of ourselves that we quite possibly have never had a chance to meet. As well as finally giving these newly found energies the freedom to create in healthy ways. There is much to learn about ourselves on this journey, as well as much to leave behind.

To discover more within ourselves makes available more resources to grow ourselves. It makes it possible to be more authentic individuals. Though there is so much to gain by truly getting to know ourselves, this journey is not without its difficulties.

Some Difficulties of Discovering Ourselves.

Discovering more about ourselves most certainly has its difficulties. This process is a journey into the unknown. Even though that unknown is inside a body we have lived with our entire lives. Much of the reason we are not aware of these aspects of ourselves could be because there is pain associated with their becoming visible to us. Even if we don’t realize it we shield ourselves from relating with them. 

Much of the energies the process of self-discovery seeks to find, seek to be found. They knock on the doors of our consciousness, sending hints at their whereabouts. For them to be found, to have them be made sense of, to be related with, is to be freed. But to make sense of them is to come to terms with the reality of where they came from.

Another difficulty on the path to getting to know ourselves is that many things we once believed about ourselves may turn out to be untrue. It can be an unsettling thing to have the reality of ourselves turn out not to be what we thought. Especially if it is about an aspect of ourselves that we have held as a firm belief. Discovering the depths of ourselves will inevitably force us to drop long-held beliefs we have about ourselves. Possibly making our worlds make much less sense as we process the new self-information.

Continually learning about ourselves leads us to many opportunities to grow, but also forces us to change with the new information. Or hide the new reality to protect what we believe. It isn’t easy to stay open to a state of continual change. The realities of life are difficult to swallow and the process of self-discovery requires to stare it all in the face.

Easing the Pains of Getting to Know Ourselves.

Through the process of getting to know the deepest parts of ourselves, we will not like all of the pieces that we meet. We will have impulses triggered that will not be pleasant to recognize and feel.

The process of self-discovery begins with triggering these pieces of ourselves by showing up for our lives, taking risks and challenging ourselves. Then taking those triggered impulses, looking at them directly, feeling them and accepting their reality. Giving them both meaning, as well as healing.

There are different methods of coming to terms with these impulses, or tools to use on the path to self-discovery. Such as using a therapeutic writing process, meditating in some fashion, talking with trusted individuals, reading books on spirituality and self-development, exercising, being grateful. All of these methods are important on the path of self-discovery.

But while on the path there are some important things to keep in mind to help ease the pain of getting to know ourselves.

Being Kind but Firm While Accepting our New Realities.

While discovering who we are we are bound to be introduced to self-truths that we will not appreciate. But remember, not every “self-truth” we believe will be reality. Also not every self-truth we don’t believe will be an illusion, it may something we don’t like.

Whether the self-information that shows up to us is real or illusory, accepting the new reality is of the utmost importance. There is no need to beat ourselves up for not seeing this sooner, or being evil because we are a certain way. We can let ourselves know we are doing the best we can with what we have. And that we simply didn’t have that info up to this point. We were misled by our own lack of self-knowledge. This doesn’t equate to being stupid, many of the brightest people in the world are unaware of aspects of themselves.

We need to be kind to ourselves when learning about ourselves. Self-discovery can be tough work. But it also isn’t good practice to be too lenient ourselves under the disguise of self-love. We need to take the risks that will trigger this process. Avoiding these risks is avoiding our lives, and we will remain uninformed of much about ourselves. Be kind, but also be firm and steadfast to the commitment to gain self-knowledge and grow. Be vigilant in writing in that journal, breathing mindfully, reading books and feeling emotions. Those are all ways that we can be kind to ourselves, as long as we do these activities in a kind way.

Take Breaks and Have some Fun.

It is important to be doing some form of self-knowledge seeking daily. But if done too consistently, too often, and too seriously it may leave pieces of ourselves wanting a break, and to have some fun. Although the process of getting to know ourselves can be fun, it also may begin to feel overwhelming. When feeling overwhelmed it is probably time to take a break. So take a break, have some fun, sit back and watch some Netflix, have a laugh, have some fun, immerse yourself in some sort of healthy distraction! Do whatever you need to do to release that feeling of anxiety and overwhelm, in a healthy way of course.

Getting to know ourselves is an amazing and important process, but it doesn’t need to replace having a good time with life. Life should be enjoyed. The path to self-discovery can enhance that enjoyment. But the process can be made forced and rigid. It doesn’t need to be. Life is relatively short, get to know yourself, be committed, be grateful, and have a good time.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

 

Doing our Self Due-Diligence for Living our Best Lives.

The concept of doing our due-diligence is a popular idea. It speaks to doing our own research so that we can think for ourselves in any area in which we care to succeed.

Doing our due-diligence is of high importance for making the best decisions we can. Whether those decisions are able to be deeply thought about, or quick snap decisions.

If succeeding in any area of life is based on the amount of research that we do and apply, then how important is researching who we are as individuals. In this article we talk about applying our due-diligence to become experts in our own lives, looking into a way to get to know ourselves

What is Due-Diligence?

Of several definitions that I took into consideration, I have come to a personal definition based on their consensus. Due-diligence is the thorough investigation and thoughtful actions taken to understand and intelligently respond to the situations we face that affect our personal interests. Doing our due-diligence is doing our homework. It is studying up so that we can get the most out of our decisions and actions. Working to create the best possible outcomes for those we effect.

So now take the above definition. This definition can be used for essentially any area of life. Whether that is for building a career, starting a business, making family decisions, investment choices, etc. Success in our own lives is generally dependent on how much we understand the forces that affect us. It is through the understanding of these forces, that determines the type of response we can have when confronted by them. Maybe sometimes we can get lucky and find success without knowledge. But living a life based mainly on luck doesn’t sound like a recipe for success to me. Our bodily impulses need guidance based on information that is thorough and reliable.

Our relationship with all the individual areas of our lives works best while being well-informed, yes of course. But there is one relationship more important than any of these areas that we can come to know. That relationship is with ourselves. The due-diligence we do on this thing we call ourselves, sets the stage for making the best decisions possible for every area of our lives.

How we Do Our Self Due Diligence.

Saying that the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we have may seem a bit self-centered. But this statement is self-centered in the healthiest way possible. All the decisions we make are based on how well we understand our bodily impulses, beliefs, weak areas, and strong areas. To make the best decisions for ourselves and all those we influence, time spent getting to know ourselves is a time used wisely.

Where do we start when it comes to learning about ourselves more deeply? Over the years I have learned methods for gaining self-knowledge. Here are some methods to put our due-diligence to work, for getting to know what makes ourselves tick.

1. Question what We Know about Ourselves.

There is an important question to eventually ask if we truly desire to know ourselves. Who am I? This question asked sincerely and openly can lead to an amazing process of self-discovery.

To question ourselves in this manner there are some things we are admitting. We are admitting that we don’t have all the answers about ourselves. As well, we are admitting that we believe it might be possible to come to know ourselves better. When we come to this place of willingness to find ourselves, we need to latch onto it and make a firm commitment.

The act of questioning ourselves in this manner can be unsettling. Some of us believe we have all the information we need about ourselves. But how many of us actually know everything there is to know about ourselves? How many of us know all our personal beliefs, impulses, weak and strong attributes?

I have no problem saying that even the most enlightened individuals on the planet, would be lying if they said they did. We, humans, are constantly changing beings with desires, beliefs, and abilities that transform over time.

This process of coming to know ourselves more deeply is not an easy task. At times it may even temporarily leave our mental and emotional equilibrium all over the place. Though it is a process that will pay us back great dividends on the energy we invest in it. Next, we will move on to investigating what we strongly believe.

2. Investigating our Long-Held Beliefs.

We all have deeply held beliefs. The beliefs could be of a spiritual or religious nature, political nature, ethical nature or any other nature. The nature of these beliefs isn’t important here, but our relationships with these beliefs most certainly are.

Our relationships with these beliefs determine how we view ourselves, and how interact with the world around us. Sometimes we may be able to tell where these beliefs originate from, other times we may not even know we hold them until we act them out unexpectedly. That or someone else brings them to our attention.

Some beliefs are essential for maintaining a life that is both peaceful and fulfilling. Other beliefs may distort our perceptions, and cause us to seek a troubling amount of perfection for ourselves and those around us. Making it difficult or even impossible to live a life that is authentic to ourselves.

If we have held a belief for many years, we may just think it is part of who we are. Maybe that is true or maybe not, us as individuals are the only ones that can figure that out. I believe the only way to find out is to examine the belief, pick it apart, and see if it still feels right afterward.

Process of Belief Investigation.

To investigate a belief, we first must pinpoint what our beliefs are. The easiest way I know to begin this investigation for developing self due-diligence is by writing these beliefs down. List the beliefs that you feel strongly about. Then afterward give some heartfelt effort to thinking about the origins of those beliefs. After some thought, write down if the belief still fits who you are today or if life would be better if the belief was gone.

If you don’t feel like writing, another method is to think about an argument in which you recently partook. Or think about a statement you recently heard that offended you. Ask yourself, what am I believing that caused me to be offended, or triggered me to argue? Then, if you are feeling up to it ask yourself if the belief actually matters to you, or if it is just a reaction from a long-held and hidden belief.

Commitment to a regular examination of our beliefs is a commitment to coming to terms with the depths of who we are. We examine our beliefs, keep what we can still use, and discard what we no longer connect with. Coming to terms with our beliefs is important for being our best selves, but even more important is to get in touch with our bodily impulses.

3. Forming a Better Relationship with our Bodily Impulses.

Our bodily impulses are talking to us continually. Sometimes the communications are pleasant, sometimes they are quite painful. Often times we hear of the pleasant feelings labeled as good, the painful as bad. This good and bad distinction about feelings is unnecessary and misleading.

All of our bodily impulses are neither good nor bad, they just are, and they need our attention. As we learn to regularly pay kind attention to these impulses, we can develop a healthy relationship with them.

To pay kind attention doesn’t mean we give these impulses everything they desire. That is a recipe for an immensely dysfunctional and painful existence. What it means is to listen to them. Now I realize that these impulses may not speak directly to us in a voice we can understand. But as long as we are willing to pause and feel them without judgment when they come, our bodies will understand what to do.

Simple Process for Relating to Bodily Impulses.

I will walk you through the simplest method I know for relating with impulses in any somewhat free moment. Although I say it is simple, oftentimes it is anything but easy.

Anytime throughout the day simply take stock of how you feel. You could even set a reminder on your phone to alert you multiple times a day to help you remember to check-in. If your mind and body are particularly stressed, take note. And if possible, sit or stand still and take a full deep breath, hold it momentarily, then exhale fully. Continue to focus on your breathing in this way until the stress subsides. While focusing on breathing the stress away, it likely will not give up without a fight. The impulses may spark all sorts of thoughts to sort through in this process. But use this exercise as a break from these thoughts. Continue to breathe through the stressed-out thoughts and they will settle down. You may even find yourself very relaxed afterward.

This exercise is great for developing a better relationship with our impulses. Mindful breathing and non-judgment of thinking naturally help us and our bodies develop a better relationship. Our bodies will do the communicating, the healing, the accepting, the understanding when we let it. Without knowing our bodies, we cannot know ourselves.

Closing Thoughts.

It is clear to me that healthy relationships with our bodies and our beliefs are necessary for knowing and being our best selves. Without a healthy relationship with our bodies, we will not understand what beliefs align well with us. And without beliefs that align well with our bodies, we will be taken down a path that is not ours to take.

To be true to ourselves we must do our self due-diligence. We must diligently work at relating to our impulses and aligning those impulses with healthy beliefs and eventual behaviors. Not for our country, our employers, our parents, but for ourselves. Because when we are true to our sane selves, others around us reap more rewards than when we are not.

That is all we have for today and thank you so much for stopping into My Life Experiment. What is written here has come from struggle and growth. We wish you growth in your process of learning to do your self due-diligence!

The Gifts of Self-Awareness and Finding Conscience.

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Today I have been thinking about some of the gifts that recovery has given me. Many of the things that recovery has blessed me with are more tangible things, things like being in a happy marriage, a very soon to be father, owning a nice house, and having a decent job.

But many of the gifts of recovery are what have actually made those more tangible gifts possible. Recovery has helped me develop sanity by finding a principled way of living. Helping me learn, Honesty, Open-Mindedness, Willingness, Patience, just to name a few. Without practicing these in my life, I don’t stand a chance at staying sane, and staying clean.

There was a thought I had today that spurred me writing on this topic. The thought was “what is the most important thing I have learned from recovery?”

Although it is difficult for me to pick a most important thing I have learned. The self-knowledge and self-awareness I have learned seem to be a clear stand outs for the most important!

Most of my life before recovery I spent bouncing off one experience to another without really any clarity of why I was doing it. If there was “clarity,” the logic came from a very foggy mind, and I could convince myself of some crazy stuff..

What is very interesting is that I didn’t happen to bounce from one healthy experience to the next healthy experience. No, it was quite the opposite!

The actions I took seemed to be led by two puzzle pieces:

1. The easiest action I could take.
2. The most exciting action I could take.

Now I realize I am staring at another question here. Was it easy to deal with the consequences of committing crimes, or to create so many more problems for myself and others? Hell no, it wasn’t but those were not things that I thought through before tearing off into the next, probably not so good decision!

Of course, I felt remorse and regret when I caused problems. And when I felt those things, I desired to change my behavior. Sometimes I would change them, for a little while. But eventually I would find myself sliding back into old behavior.

Sure, through my life I have caused a lot of problems, but to me there is one main problem. I had no clue who in the hell I was. I lacked self-knowledge and self-awareness!

To me, without self-knowledge there is no self-awareness. And without self-awareness, there is no maintaining the required actions to hold my best possible life together. There is also no keeping me from destroying my life with the tendencies I resort to on default.

A huge piece of self-knowledge I didn’t have for many years, is that I am an addict. That there is something in my brain that, when triggered, begins a downward spiral of negative thinking and negative actions.

Getting control of this spiral, keeping myself out of it, and learning how to move myself in the other direction has been what recovery is all about.

So today I know that I am an addict, and I am aware of what I need to do to recover. I am more aware of what thoughts and actions, bring me closer to starting my downward spiral, even subtly.

I have also learned how to separate my feelings about myself from the negative behaviors I habitually engaged the world with! And the troublesome thoughts that lead me to feel like acting on those behaviors are mostly nipped in the bud, as soon as the arrive in my mind.

Over the years I have come to learn more about who I truly am. I know that if I am seeking excitement by something that is illegal or destructive, that there is a bigger issue. Up above I mentioned two puzzle pieces that guided my addict behavior.

Here are the puzzle pieces that primarily guide my actions today:

1. What is best for my family?
2. Does this fit positive direction I have?
3. Do I really want to behave like this?
4. Am I going to regret this behavior later?

I notice that the above puzzle pieces were not based on questions, but these ones are. That is because I have a good relationship with my conscience today. When I ask it questions I get answers back that are more in tune with who I am!

For many years I didn’t have a good relationship with my conscience, I didn’t ask many questions about what was best for me. Like I said I seemed to just bounce from each experience to the next, basically lost. Unaware of the conscience I had, and the possibilities that existed on the other side of the insanity I lived within.

Gaining self-knowledge and self-awareness are beautiful things. I don’t necessarily like everything I am learning about myself, but at least my thoughts and behavior are not such a horrible waste of my time and energy! On the flip side of the bad, I am growing quickly into the kind of life I adore living.

Now, I don’t claim to have full knowledge and awareness of who I am today. I would be a damn fool to believe I had that. If My Life Experiment has taught me anything up to this point, it has taught me that there is much more to be discovered about life. There is also much more to be discovered about myself!

I wish you well on your path of learning how to communicate in healthier ways. And thank you so much for stopping in to My Life Experiment today. If you enjoyed what you read then I would love for you to do a couple things for us.

1. Please like and leave a comment below.
2. Share this article on your social media.
3. Follow our Facebook page!
4. Join our email list below, which will get you a copy of our Therapeutic Writing Guide, and have our new articles sent directly to your email.

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Hello, we are Travis and Casey Hagen the writer’s and owner’s of My Life Experiment. As recovering Individuals, we are no strangers to leaving behind dysfunctional ways of living. Over the years we have become adept at managing our intense mental and emotional worlds to find healing from the past, peace in the present and new ways to bring about success for our futures. There is plenty for us to share with you about finding better ways to live. So please follow us on our journey as we share what we know, and continue to share as we invitably learn more.

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